Whether you voted for Barack Obama or Mitt Romney, it’s good to know the president isn’t a Sith Lord.
After more than 34,000 people petitioned the White House to “secure resources and funding, and begin construction of a Death Star by 2016,” the White House released an official statement cleverly titled “This Isn’t the Petition Response You’re Looking For,” rejecting Darth Vader’s weapon of choice.
“The Administration does not support blowing up planets,” wrote Paul Shawcross, chief of the Science and Space Branch at the White House Office of Management and Budget. “Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship?”
The response also rebuffs the petitioners’ notion that a Death Star would be a smart economic move; any job creation the Death Star spurs would be undermined by its $850-quadrillion ($850,000,000,000,000,000) price tag.
The statement goes on to tout the International Space Station, NASA and its Commercial Crew and Cargo Program Office (C3PO), and a new telescope that will be more powerful than the Hubble.
“Even though the United States doesn’t have anything that can do the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs, we’ve got two spacecraft leaving the solar system and we’re building a probe that will fly to the exterior layers of the Sun,” the response states. “We don’t have a Death Star, but we do have floating robot assistants on the Space Station, a President who knows his way around a light saber and advanced (marshmallow) cannon, and the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, which is supporting research on building Luke’s arm, floating droids, and quadruped walkers.”
Shawcross ends the petition response with a recruiting message.
“If you do pursue a career in a science, technology, engineering or math-related field, the Force will be with us!” the statement concludes. “Remember, the Death Star’s power to destroy a planet, or even a whole star system, is insignificant next to the power of the Force.”
— Noelene Clark
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